The double empathy problem: misunderstanding goes both ways

What it is

When two people see the world very differently, it’s hard for either of them to read the other. That’s the whole idea. When autistic and non-autistic people misunderstand each other, the gap goes both ways. It isn’t one side missing empathy. It’s two different ways of communicating.

Dr. Damian Milton, a researcher in the United Kingdom who is autistic himself, described the double empathy problem in a 2012 paper in the journal Disability & Society. He used it to push back on a long-held idea that autism is mainly a deficit in “theory of mind,” meaning trouble imagining what other people think and feel.

Milton’s point was simple: non-autistic people often have just as much trouble imagining what an autistic person thinks and feels. Most of the time, nobody notices that half of the problem, because non-autistic ways of communicating are treated as the normal, “right” way.

Why it matters

If you believe the problem lives only inside your child, the only fix is to change your child. That’s how a lot of autistic kids end up spending years practicing eye contact, small talk, and “appropriate” facial expressions.

Many autistic adults say that hiding their autistic traits to fit in, often called masking or camouflaging, is exhausting. The UK’s National Autistic Society points out that trying to reduce autistic traits may not improve wellbeing, and that reducing stigma and building understanding on both sides matters more.

Double empathy changes the question. Instead of “How do we make this child act less autistic?” it asks, “How do these people understand each other better?” That question has a lot more answers, and most of them don’t ask your child to pretend.

What the research says

Here are the studies people point to most, in plain words.

Where it gets more complicated. In 2025, a much bigger telephone-game study with 311 adults found no difference between mixed chains and same-neurotype chains. Autistic people passed on information just as well as anyone, so the idea that autistic people are poor communicators didn’t hold up. But the mixed-chain gap from 2020 didn’t show up either. Non-autistic pairs reported the most rapport, and telling a partner about an autism diagnosis made rapport better.

So the honest summary: there’s strong evidence that autistic people communicate well with each other, and good evidence that non-autistic people misread and misjudge autistic people. Exactly when and why mixed conversations go wrong is still being studied. Most of this research is with adults, and researchers say we still don’t know much about how it plays out for kids.

What it can look like at home

Things that look “off” from one side often make perfect sense from the other.

At school and in therapy

You don’t need anyone to use the words “double empathy” to put the idea to work. A few things worth asking for:

• Goals about understanding, not looking typical. “Will ask for a break when overwhelmed” or “will tell a peer about a favorite topic and listen to theirs” helps your child. “Will maintain eye contact” mostly helps other people feel comfortable.
• Teach the other side too. Teachers, aides, and classmates can learn that flat expressions, info-dumping, and fidgeting aren’t signs of disrespect.
• Social groups that don’t just teach masking. Before you sign up for a social skills group, ask what kids actually practice. Groups built around a shared interest, where kids can be themselves, are often a better fit than drills on scripts and eye contact.
• Clear, direct communication from adults. Written schedules, plain instructions, and saying what you mean help every kid, not only autistic ones.
• Your child’s say in it. Older kids and teens can tell you which situations are hard and what kind of help they want.

If you’re weighing therapies, our guides on ABA and choosing a therapist have questions to ask any provider.

What helps

• Meet them halfway. Learn their way of communicating, instead of only teaching yours.
• Say what you mean. Hints, sarcasm, and “we’ll see” are hard to read. Plain words help everyone.
• Join their interest. Ask one more question about the thing they love. It’s one of the easiest ways in.
• Help them find their people. Friends who communicate like they do can feel like coming home.
• Talk about differences openly, when your child is ready. In the big 2025 study, telling a partner about a diagnosis improved rapport. Let your child decide who knows and how.
• Skip “we’re all a little autistic.” It’s usually meant kindly, but it brushes off what your child lives with every day.

Different isn’t deficient. Social skills aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Questions to ask the school or therapist

• What is each social goal meant to help my child do, and how will we know it’s helping them, not just making them look less autistic?
• Can we take out goals like eye contact and focus on what my child needs, like asking for help or a break?
• What will the adults and classmates around my child learn about how my child communicates?
• In this social group, what do kids practice? Are they allowed to stim, info-dump, and be themselves?
• Are there other autistic kids, or kids with the same interests, my child could spend time with?
• How will you ask my child what feels hard socially and what kind of help they want?